Ego Check

The dilemma of the Artist vs their Ego. It's inseparable it may seem, but there is a homeostasis that has to be achieved for an artist to be a good human. Being a good human doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice being a good artist.

I think the most beautiful thing in the world is when you meet a phenomenal artist who is equally a phenomenal human as well. When I find those rare gems, I strive to be like them. They become my compass on this art journey of mine.

For this post I want shed some light on my own experience navigating ego and artistry. Maybe it will help someone, but I think mostly to give myself a reminder of who I want to become and how much I have changed for the better.

When I was a young dumb artist in my 20s I made a lot of BIG Headed mistakes.

I wrapped up my identity in “I'm an artist! I’m unique! I’m special! Look at meeeee!”… Looking back at it now all I see is stupidity, narcissism and insecurity 😑. Shut the F up my guy!

Ay yaya! But that is a phase I think (or at least I hope for my own sake) most young artists go through. Its insufferable, and to be honest some artists never shed that part of them.

Yes art is important. I’m never going to argue that it isn’t, but you are not more important or better than anyone else because you do art.

In reality you learned to articulate YOUR feelings and beliefs through a medium. Some have become experts in their medium of choice, and some haven't. Some artists have valid feelings and beliefs and some have $h!t for brains and cold hearts.

Some got lost in the emotional self centered sauce that is fairly easy to fall into when dealing with something as sensitive as art. That tends to happen if there is empty, negative, or just surface level character traits looming. Sometimes all the above are at work at the same time.

Long story short, I had a lot of untamed emotions, insecurities, and pain that I was trying to cover up with spray paint, acrylics and oils.

That formula can make absolute masterpieces… as well as create some of the biggests pieces of $h*t human beings you may ever meet.

So when I reached my 30s, Life put a smackdown on me. “Thank you Life”🤕🙏🏾😅

I understood that if I was ever going to get past this smackdown from life (and ultimately my own idiotic egotistical self), I had some serious behavioral mastering that I needed to achieve. First thing I did was throw my ego into the garbage, where it was already hanging around anyways.

I disappeared almost completely and picked up tools from books, evaluated the people I looked up to, then took lessons from those people I thought were on the best moral track, and I just put my foot in my mouth and sat in the corner and listened.

Shutting the hell up and just listening is really like 75% of understanding how to not be an ass. Now I’m not saying shut up and obey… I’m saying shut up, listen and observe. You have to develope awareness of your own behaviors. The best way to that is to watch how other people navigate in the world and how the world responds to them.

I observed other artists and damnnnn! It was like an ugly nightmare staring back at me. I could find my reflection in every pretentious, self absorbed, immature artist that was out there. Even to this day I still see it.

Its overwhelming at times and really tears me up inside. It had gotten to a point where that is all I could see about an artist. It was beginning to make me not want to even do art anymore.

I realized that it was remnants of my unchecked ego trying to deceive me and make other artists the villain instead of taking accountability for my insecurities.

I began to be aware of how I was viewing others. Those feelings and triggers that get brought up when I encountered a loud cocky artist, I need to remember to register. Karma if you will, but I have learned to accept that embarrassing burn it brings up. Its my “come back to Jesus” moment. I encounter that almost on a daily now that i’m working on correcting myself.

I am grateful to have the insights that I have now about my own shortcomings. I can tell you with confidence I am just at the beginning finding out what shortcomings I do have. I am approaching everything in the healthiest way I know how and not descending into a self depreciating self loathing pity party. To do that is to be completely focused on myself too and that falls in the Narcissism category.

Seeing how I used to act with the perspective that I have now course corrects me pretty quickly these days. Loud mouth, flashy, bourgeois, socialite ass artists have a direct correlation to making shit art. In my humble opinion.

There are a few that do make some amazing art, but I would never want their shit hanging in my home. There is going to be bad energy attached to that artwork that I just dont want that near me.

Now I have met some of the most incredible mind blowing artists, that actually took me a long time to find out they even did art. These are “The Unicorns.” These wonderful humans didn’t lead off be telling me they were artists. They were just interested in me as a person actually without the art.

I was one who wore their hearts on their sleeve with out worry if that bleeding heart bled on to others. My feelings were the only feelings that existed in the world for a time. I am pretty sure I have pin pointed why I became that attention groveling young adult. As a child I absorbed whatever energy was in the room and never figured out how to tune out all the overwhelming feelings I felt from others.

All of it pent-up into the 20 year old who finally had the freedom to pour out all the emotions like a broken dam. Well we are no longer 20 and the dam is finally repaired and working correctly. Its letting out controlled streams of consciousness that are filtered with logic, and not violent currents of emotions.

I am so grateful to have met the unicorn artists that I have. They exhibits traits of hard work without complaints. They show kindness. They have genuine gratitude from the praises they get from their art. They make others feel seen. They let other people know that they have the ability to do art at their level. They are not threatened by other artists and see the value each artist brings (both positive and negative).

I am just beginning my journey on the path to join these artists I talk about. Maybe this blog entry is a sign that im acknowledging that I have more work to do, but also that I have the compass pointing in the right direction.

Those of you who have read this far, I thank you for taking the time to do so. I also hope that maybe you were able to pick up something from these ramblings. I am working on myself and for the past 4 years I have built a sturdy foundation to build on top of.

Be more mindful of others.

Be more kind to yourselves.

Look to learn from people who are better skilled than you.

Shut up sometimes.

Keep your feet on the ground and make sure you have anchored yourself in reality.

I'm adhering those steps before I start anything nowadays. Once I feel that is solid then I feel comfortable throwing some weight.

I want to be a great artist… but I want be an even better humam first.

STAY IN THE LIGHT.